Bra-blems

Hi, my name is Rita and I have terrible boobs.

We've never had a great relationship, my boobs and I, but we've had our ups and downs - especially throughout my childbearing/nursing years. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you've heard me praise their practical uses back when they were, you know, functional; you've heard about their unfortunate mishap during Zumba; and you've heard me complain about my babies stretching them out like freaking Silly Putty.

Although I was never exactly "well-endowed" in the cleavage department, I absolutely did not appreciate what I had. They may have been on the smallish side, but at least they were, like, closer to my collarbone than to my bellybutton. Now, post-children, they've said, "Our work here is done!" and decided to lay down for a permanent nap.

This is a dramatization for illustrative purposes. They weren't quite that nice before kids, but you get the idea.

What's depressing is that my older sister, who is an actual grandmother, has an infinitely better (all-natural) rack than mine. Let that sink in: somebody's GRANDMA has better boobs. I can hoist mine into a bra with all the uplift and padding in the world, and they'll just crumple and fold into the cup. It's like trying to hold up Jell-O with scaffolding. Or remember that movie Weekend at Bernie's where they tried to prop the dead guy up all the time? It's a similar situation. Only with boobs.

To add to the problem, I have a huge barrel-like rib cage. So once I find a big enough band size, it's nearly impossible to find a small enough cup size. Because apparently women with a large rib circumference aren't allowed to have teeny-tiny ta-tas. 

I've never felt my boobs were worth spending money on, so they've spent their lifespan clad in raggedy discount bras. But desperate times call for less cheapness, y'all. It's time for me to stop being a titty tightwad. So recently I was browsing Facebook when an ad popped up for a site where you can answer a bunch of questions about your boobs, and issues you have with your current bra, and they'll custom-fit a bra based on your answers. I eagerly started answering the questions, but couldn't stop laughing when it told me my breast type was ... wait for it ... relaxed.

I have RELAXED BOOBS.

I mean, when I think about it, I've got to admit that description sums 'em up pretty well. "Relaxed" is the opposite of "uptight" and my boobs are certifiably neither up, nor tight. 

It almost makes me want someone to say, "Calm your tits!" so I can reply, "Oh, they're calm. They're calm as shit. In fact ... they're relaxed."