Comin' Back and Movin' On

It's 2016, which sounds like I should be writing this from a colony on Planet Zebulon X86 while people whiz by my window with jetpacks on. Doesn't it? TWO THOUSAND SIXTEEN. I remember when I was like seven and I thought 1999 sounded so far away and now here I am, in 2016, still thinking about how 1999 is so far away but in the other direction this time. Ugh.

Anyway, I've decided to make a blogging comeback this year. And by "comeback" I mean "write a new post once in a damn while." For years, I posted regularly here. Some posts were gold, some were absolute crap, but there was always something. And then a series of events happened and apparently I am not good at handling the unexpected. First I wrote this little post that went suuuuuuuper-viral - on my site initially, then again on Scary Mommy. I still count that among one of the best experiences of my entire life, ranking right up there with the birth of my children and the time I scared the hiccups out of my sister. I had never had anything go viral before, and it was thrilling. The response was almost entirely positive: no hate mail, no threats, no ugliness, just people laughing along and saying, "I can relate!" which was the whole reason I started this blog in the first place.

But the positive response was also a bad thing, because it set an unrealistic precedent for me. Because the next time one of my posts went viral, thanks to The Huffington Post picking it up, things got downright ugly. I cried for two days. I took that shit personally. I didn't realize that this was more along the lines of "normal" - that usually, when a post grows legs, they stomp all over you. The citizens of the Internet can be mean, y'all, especially because people don't hold back when they're speaking to your computer screen and not your face.

Having gone through all this, I figured it meant I was professional enough to go to a real blogging conference with other actual bloggers. And I loved it - on a personal level. I met tons of amazing people, many of whom I'd been reading for years. I met, for the first time in real life, someone who instantly felt like a bestie: Hannah Mayer of sKIDmarks (who you should check out right now, if you enjoying laughing so hard you dribble pee). The conference was awesome. I felt inspired! I was gonna grab the blogging world by the balls!

And then I came home. And tried to process all the information I had learned. And was totally, completely, utterly overwhelmed. So I more or less began a slow process of shutting down (although not before writing a pretty sweet post with tips on pooping in a public restroom. Because this blog is nothing if not informative). You know how sometimes when you have a huge task in front of you, all you want to do is sit and eat cookies and ignore it? Yeah. It's been like that.

But here I am, in 2016 (zoom! Bleep!) and I have decided that numbers don't matter. Mass appeal doesn't matter. If I can write things that a few people find funny or relatable, then fantastic! Hit me up and let me know you feel me! If I write a bunch of garbage-y gobbledygook, whatever - at least I'm writing. I like writing too much to not do it.

Anyway, I've got a lot to write about. For starters: I GOT NEW CARPET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you've been reading for a while, you know that I've been complaining about my carpet for years (and you know some of the heinous things that have happened to it). Because it was horrible when we moved in and four boys and a veritable Noah's Ark of pets made it even more horrible. See for yourself in this lovely side-by-side comparison photo I took:

See that torn spot, where the sub-floor is peeking - okay, gaping - through? That's not just a casualty of the carpet-layers, something that happened while the new carpet was going in. Oh, no. That torn spot had been there for like three years. Plaguing me. Taunting me. A daily eyesore on the way into our bedroom. And it wasn't the only spot: the carpet was ripped, frayed, and stained everywhere else, too. I tried constantly to deep-clean it and keep it vacuumed and strategically place rugs over the worn spots, but, well ... you can't polish a turd.

Now, though - oh, happy day! I have a carpet I can be proud of! A carpet specifically designed for lots of wear and tear and kids and pets! A carpet I can lay down and writhe around on like I'm making snow angels and sniff deeply and know that I'm inhaling nothing but cleanliness (okay, and maybe some carpet fibers, but at least they're clean). If you had told sixteen-year-old me that I'd ever be this level of geeked about home improvements, I'd have wailed in anguish that I never wanted to grow up and be that lame. But here I am. Laming away ON MY NEW CARPET.

And then???

Less than one month after the glorious arrival of my new carpet, my husband was offered his dream job. In Ohio. Which, for the record is seven hours away. Which means ...

We're moving.

We're moving away from our home here in Iowa, that I love. Our friends. Our neighbors, who are also friends. AND MY NEW CARPET.

To add insult to injury, we have to put in new kitchen and bathroom flooring before we can sell the house. So basically, we'll be doing everything I have wanted to do for eons, but just so someone else can use it.

Y'all are going to have to help me through this. Good thing we'll be chatting on a more regular basis now. :)