A Seedy Situation

Like virtually everyone else in the world, I have started my annual "this time it's permanent!" health kick.*

*And by "permanent" I mean until approximately Valentine's Day, when I will consume a bunch of chocolate and then pretty much fall off the wagon from there.

So when I went grocery shopping, I was perusing the health food aisles when something caught my attention. Chia seeds.

Naturally I bought them, because - being on a health kick and all - I've been hearing lots about the many benefits of chia seeds. I got a new blender for Christmas and the healthy websites I read while I'm healthing are all like, "Throw some chia seeds in your smoothies! They're an excellent source of protein and fiber and omega-3 fatty acids!"

Amazed and inspired by this superfood now in my possession, I went straight home and ate a spoonful right out of the bottle just to taste them. They didn't taste like much, so I could imagine them being decent when tossed with some kind of crunchy food. But as they absorbed more and more of my spit, they developed this gelatinous sort of coating - and lemme tell you: if you think poppy seeds get stuck in your teeth, chia seeds are worse. It's like the chia seeds said to the poppy seeds, "Oh yeah, amateurs? Watch this."

But whatever. I have toothpicks and a toothbrush and I always keep Plackers around ('cause you never know when you're going to have to dig a popcorn kernel out of somebody's nose). So I wasn't too bothered by the chia seed colony in my teeth because chia seeds are SO HEALTHY that I was sure they were, like, giving me megadoses of nutrients just by being in there. Like absorbing through my gums or something.

Later that evening, I decided that since I had done something great for my insides, I ought to beautify the outside too. I have always adored making my own do-it-yourself beauty treatments, so I got busy concocting a deep conditioning mask for my frizzy-ass hair. (Note the placement of the dash; I said frizzy-ass hair, not frizzy ass-hair. There is a huge difference.)

I warmed some coconut oil in a bowl. Threw in a glug of olive oil. Drizzled some honey on top. What else could I put in there, I wondered?

And then my eyes fell on my glorious bottle of gloriously healthy chia seeds.

I was thinking if I could use my fancy new blender to grind the chia seeds into a sort of dust, I could mix it with the oils and honey and make sort of a creamy conditioner. That's what it looked like in my mind, anyway. With all the benefits that they supposedly have, they had to be good for the hair too. I mean - OMEGA. FREAKING. THREES.

However. Chia seeds are tiny. So tiny that even my snazzy blender kind of just tossed them around instead of actually pulverizing them into the powder I had envisioned.

But by that time, my mind was made up; my homemade hair mask needed the boost of omega-3 fatty acids and other mysterious nutrients that only the chia seeds could provide. So I mixed them in anyway. Then I slathered the whole thing into my hair, threw on a shower cap and waited impatiently for half an hour, imagining the soft, bouncy, silky, shiny results. It would be my fabulous new beauty secret.

When I got in the shower and began rinsing, I made a startling realization. I should have thought about what those little S.O.B.s had done to my teeth - because as I ran warm water through my hair, each seed - and there were like a million - glued itself to a strand. And stayed there.

Y'all? I consider myself a reasonably intelligent individual. But putting the chia seeds in my hair was, without a doubt, one of the dumbest things I have ever done in my entire thirty-five years. I was so blinded by my fantasies of enviable, Kate Middleton-esque hair that I failed to consider the sticky nature of the seeds. And now there they were, glommed onto each follicle. It didn't help that they looked like lice eggs.*

*Go ahead, scratch your scalp, I'll wait.

I rinsed for like half an hour. The seeds were still in my hair - but now they were everyfreakingwhere else, too.

I rinsed until my hair was squeaking, which I'm pretty sure was the sound of it begging for mercy as the last of its natural oils went down the drain. It was still seedy, but I got out of the shower and dried it off. Chia seeds stuck to the towel. I ran a comb through it; chia seeds clumped in the teeth. I went to bed, depressed, and dreamed of waking up looking like this:

If I weren't lazy, I'd Photoshop my face onto this. Just use your imagination.

In the morning, there were a few scattered seeds on my pillow, and a few still clinging to my hair - but much to my relief, they brushed out fairly easily. And I didn't have a head full of green pube-y looking growth, so there's that.

But I also don't have deep-conditioned hair. In fact, it kind of feels like a broom. So I guess it's back to the DIY drawing board.

Maybe I'll try oats or something next time.