Lube is for Pubes

I've never had what you'd call shampoo-commercial hair. It's a frizzy nightmare, which means deep conditioner and a hair dryer and a flat iron and smoothing serum any time I want it to look like nice, regular hair. Otherwise it looks like somebody put a bunch of chest hair in the wrong place, and it's desperately trying to get back to where it belongs.

Oh, hair. Y U no cooperate?

Maybe some actually managed to migrate successfully and that's why I have a beard?

Living with a poofy puff like mine has made me seriously consider pursuing a religion where it's covered all the time. I mean, at least my eyelashes are decent.

Anyway, since our air conditioner took a crap, it's been hot up in here. For me, sweating even an ounce is a one-way ticket to Frizz City, population: Rita. Needless to say, I have been locked in a frustrating struggle between letting my 'fro flag fly without giving a shit, and trying to look like I haven't been dragged through a bush backwards. The other day, vanity won out, and I was attempting to wrangle my strands into smooth submission when I realized I had run out of smoothing serum.

For you lucky non-frizzy peeps who may not be familiar with smoothing serum (I hate you), allow me to enlighten. It's a clear liquid, kind of silky and slippery, almost like an oil but a little thicker. I like this kind (← that is an Amazon affiliate link by the way, in case you want to getcha some). You can use it on either damp or dry hair; I usually put about a nickel-sized amount in my hair while it's still a little wet, and I find that it looks less like a Brillo pad when it's dry. Unfortunately, my bottle was as empty as Donald Trump's soul.

If I had hair like, say, Kate Middleton's, I would have just skipped the serum and gone on my merry, bouncy-coiffed way. But - here's a little known fact - the one and only reason I am not the current Duchess of Cambridge is because Wills is kind of a hair man and when it came down to deciding between Kate and myself, well, you can see who won out.

Ahem.

Anyway, since foregoing the serum is not an option when your hair puts sheep to shame, I began rummaging through my arsenal of toiletries to find a suitable replacement. Lotion? Nah ... I've tried that before. It doesn't last too long. Coconut oil? Possibly, but the last time I overdid it and ended up looking like I hadn't washed my hair in years.

And then? My eyes fell on a little bottle in my medicine cabinet.

Sensual Lubricant, it said. (Yes. THAT kind.)

The wheels in my head started turning. Hmmm. It's a clear liquid. Kind of silky and slippery. Almost like an oil but a little thicker.

I did a hallelujah jig in the middle of the bathroom. I was saved! Who needs fancy-schmancy smoothing serum when you've got lube, right?! It's practically the same thing, isn't it?! And it's not like I'm using it for anything else. (Which is a topic for another blog post entirely. Advance apologies to my husband.) I mean, sure, it's made for vaginas, but like ... that's a minor detail, yes??

So, like any re-purposing genius, I slathered my damp hair with lube and envisioned my gorgeous, frizz-free 'do - all the while congratulating myself on my ingenuity. I'm totally going to pin this on my Pinterest boards, I thought. LIFE HACKS BY RITA. No smoothing serum? USE LUBE. This is amazing. People will be like, "Where has this chick and her revolutionary tips BEEN all my life?!"

But as my hair dried, my confidence waned. Because as it turns out, vaginas are not hairdos (and if they are, please consider a little personal grooming). And vagina products do not work on hair, even if they do seem almost identical in texture. I was painfully reminded of why hair product companies and sexual lubricant companies hire, like, scientists to formulate things, and why I am wiping butts and writing words instead of be-goggled and lab-coated with a beaker somewhere.

Note to self and to everyone else in the world: lube is not an acceptable substitute for smoothing serum. Your hair will not be frizzy, but that will be because it is stiff and greasy-looking. (Picture the "hair gel" scene from There's Something About Mary, only all over - not just the bangs.) Do yourself a favor - either invest in some actual smoothing serum, or just let the whole thing air dry and hope that this is the day that big '80s hair finally comes back into style.