A Pregnant Pause

Oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man. Somebody help me. Stat.

I have a problem and it needs fixing, like, yesterday.*

*Much like my husband, and by "fixing" I mean "a vasectomy."

You see, the problem is this: I miss being pregnant. And y'all? That leads to babies.

AND I DO NOT - I REPEAT, DO NOT - NEED ANY MORE BABIES.

No. Mo'. Babies.

I've had a lot of friends lately who are announcing the big news. And every time, I find myself with a soul-crushing wave twinge of jealousy. That's not good. Like ... I was pregnant less than eight months after I wrote this post about baby fever.

It's just that after spending five years in a struggle against infertility, not knowing whether I'd ever be pregnant at all, I can't help but be uber-excited when I see a positive pregnancy test. And now that I know that my body can have babies, it's getting difficult to accept that I'm coming to a point where I can't. Or, you know, shouldn't.

BECAUSE FOUR BOYS (one of whom needs braces and medication and one of whom needs glasses and one of whom is always breaking an arm or something) AND A MORTGAGE AND A MINIVAN PAYMENT, THAT'S WHY.

Anyway, I'm going to use this blog space to talk some sense into myself. And if you have anything to add, please chime in, because for the love of God ... I need a healthy dose of perspective.

I miss seeing my body change, and knowing it's because my baby is growing.
You can achieve the same changes with a few packs of Oreos. Oh, except for the bigger feet and the fat nose. Do you miss those, too?

I miss the flutters and kicks.
You mean the feeling of elbows, knees, and heels scraping against your internal organs? Or maybe the sharp jabs to the bladder. THAT CONTRIBUTES TO LEAKAGE. DO YOU WANT TO WEAR DEPENDS?

I miss stroking my pregnant belly.
Do you mean the pregnant belly that was so freakishly huge that people literally stopped in their tracks to stare at it? The pregnant belly that made you walk like a constipated penguin? The pregnant belly that made it impossible to tie your shoes or shave your pubes? Clearly you need a reminder:

Left photo credit: Kirsche222. Right photo credit: Someone who needed the camera ripped from his hands.

I miss keeping up with my baby's development month by month.
Uh, hello? They might not be fetuses any more but they're still developing and you still have to keep up with it! It's just that now you get to keep up with what "favorite" food they are now refusing to eat and how many baby teeth the Tooth Fairy still has to pay for and which version of Minecraft just came out.

There are so many cute maternity clothes.
Seriously? SERIOUSLY? There might be cute maternity clothes now that you don't require them, but need I remind you that every time you're actually pregnant, the only things that fit either have large bows or ridiculous prints or look like something that somebody's fat grandma would wear. The cute maternity stuff does not come in size "9-pound-baby."

I miss having big boobs.
...Okay. So I've got nothing.

Talk me down from the ledge, you guys. Or talk my husband into following up on that vasectomy consultation that he had TWO YEARS AGO.

I'm going to put my toddler on the toilet and try to convince him to poop while he inevitably plays around and then craps his pants later.

Maybe that'll do the trick.