Picture Perfect

Ah, the start of a brand new school year. A time when parents everywhere are laying out clothes, packing lunches, loading school supplies into backpacks, and shrieking, "Stay out of that mud with your new shoes!"

Like every other parent on the planet with access to a camera, I lined my kids up for the requisite first-day photo. The "final product" turned out like this:

Say it with me: awwwwww.

But that was approximately the three-thousandth photo I took. Here's how it went down.

Me: Boys, get up there on the steps so I can take your picture, please.
Boys run around the front yard yelling at the neighbor kids who are also heading to school.
Me: Boys! On the steps. NOW.
Boys slowly make their dawdly way toward the steps.
Me: Stop scuffing your new shoes on the pavement! GET on the STEPS!
Boys finally arrive at the steps I told them to get on, like, five minutes ago.
Me: Okay. Good. Now stand beside each other. ... No, get on the same step.
Boys: He's pinching me!
Me: Stop pinching your brother. Now scoot closer together. ... Closer! ...CLO-SER. I can't get you all in the picture if you're a mile apart.
Boys: But his backpack is touching mine!
Me: It doesn't matter if your backpacks are touching. Let's just get this picture taken so we can get to school. Okay, now smile!
Boys look like this:

Me: Seriously! Stop looking all crazy and just smile!
Boys put on forced smiles resembling constipated chimpanzees.
Me: Can you just - can you please look a little more natural? Just think of something that makes you laugh.
Boys: Farts!!
Me: Whatever. Okay, smile! (I plaster a wide grin on my face hoping they'll imitate.)
Boys get sidetracked by neighbors pulling out of driveway.
Me: Boys! Look over here! Look at me. Right here. ... No, right here. Look. At. The Camera. Please.
Boys: Are we done yet, Mom? The neighbors are leaving.
Me: We'd have been done ten minutes ago if you'd just stand up here and smile normally and look at the camera like you're supposed to and can we PLEASE! JUST! GET! A PHOTO!
Boys sigh grudgingly.
Me: Good. Now say "cheese!"
Boys: Can we say "dirty buttholes?"

And then my head exploded.

At least we weren't late on the first day ...



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