WTF Wednesday: Whacked-Out Searches, Vol. 2

Forgive me for the graphic ... I'm not awesome at "The Photoshop."

Few things are more amusing (and, okay, downright disturbing) than checking out Internet search terms. It's like snooping into other people's computers, kind of. So when I need a laugh, I bring up the search terms that have brought people to my blog and try to figure out why - and now I'm sharing some of the funniest with you. These are actual things people have typed in, mind you, that have led them here to Fighting off Frumpy. Some are obvious, but some ... well ... see for yourself.


#1: Really black people. I'm seriously pale. I make a piece of paper look like a manila envelope (see here for proof). So this one baffles me.

#2: Camel toes and pit stains. I did once write a post featuring both camel toes and pit stains, so I'm guessing that's how this search led to my blog. I'm not, however, too proud about that.

#3: Real poop for sale. Someone's looking to buy real poop? Seriously? They should have sent me an email while they were on my site, because I would totally sell them some real poop if they're looking to fork over some cash. I have an abundance around this piece. (Poop, not cash. Unfortunately.)

#4: Fart perfume. This search term is a little unclear: is the person wanting to smell like a fart or disguise one with perfume? Either way, I'm pretty sure this post about an insertable fart silencer is the reason they ended up here.

#5: Does beer hops irritate my contact lenses? I'm neither an optometrist or a substance-abuse counselor ... but if you're rinsing your contacts with beer, you probably require the services of one or the other. Or both. Just sayin'.

#6: Big '80s hair and a cigarette. I don't know how this search landed someone on my blog, but I do hope that they ended up finding this gem of a photo:

It's my mom in the '80s. Big, bleached-blonde frosted 'fro, tan-from-a-bottle, and hella blue eyeshadow. And an ashtray. Surely this picture satisfied all the searcher's "big '80s hair and a cigarette" needs.

#7: Is holding in farts mannerly? Well. Clearly I've established myself as the Internet's foremost expert on manners, so people are seeking my advice. And in this case, dear reader, yes: holding in farts is mannerly. Especially if you're, like, on an elevator. Or a date. (Or in Target.) But it's also uncomfortable, so I encourage you to let it out at your earliest convenience. A word of warning, though: farting when you think you're alone is the equivalent of sending up a beaming beacon of light like the Bat Signal, and people will miraculously appear out of nowhere. Trust me on this one - I speak from experience.

#8: Cute guy in Eye Mart AND Sexy guy in Eye Mart. Two different searches about - I can assume - one delicious bit of Eye Mart eye-candy? I have noooo idea why this brought someone to The Frump, but now I want to know what Eye Mart this Greek God of Optometry works at because it's about time for my annual exam.

#9: Proper etiquette for placing your penis in your pants. Um ... erm ... eh .... I've got nothin'. I mean I guess I understand why that particular term led them here, but for starters, I haven't got a penis of my very own to properly place in my pants. And as for the members of my household who are endowed with such things, well, they don't wear pants all that often. Except for my husband, of course. Maybe he could help someone answer this question.

#10: Legos strung all over the house. Finally - a search term that brought someone to the right place. Searcher of this term, I feel your pain. Literally. Right in my bare feet.


(If you wanna see Whacked-Out Searches, Vol. 1 - click here!)