It's Snot Even Cute

Can somebody tell me if white stripes are fashionable? Because that's what I've been rocking for the past few days. Okay, so they're just white-ish. And maybe not so much stripes ... perhaps more like streaks.

Okay, so ... it's snot.

I'm basically just wearing snot-smeared clothing around.

I'm hoping against all odds that either a.) nobody will notice, or b.) they'll think that randomly placed, faintly crusty-looking streaks are indeed some kind of new trend and I am like sooooo cutting-edge.

Trust me, if I could help it, I would. It's not like I was all, "Hey kids! I'm going to be putting on a black sweater now so I'd really appreciate it if you'd wipe your boogery noses all over me. Thanks!" It's not as if I don't have an entire arsenal of tissues stockpiled in my linen closet. I have enough Kleenex to absorb the Mississippi River. But do they use them? No. Or if they do, they're just snotty again two minutes later and so they decide that the tissue wasn't effective enough and hey, let's use Mom's shirt! When I try to wipe the baby's nose, he acts like I'm trying to scour his face with steel wool - but he'll rub it all over my shoulder without hesitation.

I've got smears everywhere. Smears on my thighs. Smears on random spots along my arms. Smears along my neckline. Smears on my shoulders. Hell, I've probably got them on my back and I just can't see them. No matter what I'm wearing. No matter how long I've had it on. I can put something on, immediately go within a ten-foot radius of one of my kids, and bam: snot marks. It's enough to make me want to stuff tampons up their noses until they're over this leakiness.

... Hmm ... tampons ...