Stay the F**k in Your Own Bed: a Poem

Disclaimer: if you are uncomfortable with the f-bomb, or if you're somehow under the impression that I never use it (bless your delusional little heart!), you may want to click away now. Don't say I didn't warn you. 

I didn't set out to be one of those "crunchy" moms. You know, the breastfeeding, baby-wearing, co-sleeping, organic-eating, Birkenstock-sandal non-armpit-shaving type?

I mean, I don't even own a pair of Birks, y'all. And I do shave my armpits on a regular basis.*

*And by "regular basis" I  mean whenever the pit hair starts to snake out conspicuously from beneath my sleeve.

But the breastfeeding, the co-sleeping ... I do that. Not because of any strong convictions, necessarily (if you give your kids formula or Jack Daniels or whatever, I'm not hatin') but just because it's been what has worked for my kids.

So until last week, Coby, my two year old, had literally never slept in his own bed ... eh-ver. He has slept in my arms and under my covers and with his feet in my hair and his butt in my face since he was a newborn. But seeing as we've got another newborn on the way in just a few short weeks, who will likely also sleep in our bed (oh my gawd two more years!!), we figured it was time to give Coby a boost in the direction of his own room. So we set him up with a cool new "big boy bed" and a cowboy picture on the wall and an awesome rug and new comforter and all the sweet perks of independent sleeping. And he was excited. And so were Mommy and Daddy! Bed to ourselves if you don't count the multiple dogs and cats for the win!!

The first night went down like a dream. I mean, it was smooooooth sailing. We put him to sleep in his new bed and he didn't move a muscle until 6:30 the next morning. Then the next night, he woke up once, but only once - so I was still optimistic. But then the next night ... he woke up two or three times. And the next, five or six. And so it's been. And guess which lucky parent gets to heave her gargantuan pregnant arse out of bed and haul him back to his own?

Yeah. Yours truly.

Last night was an epic big-boy-bed fail, with me leaving the comfort of my bed to lead him back to his no fewer than eight or nine times during the night. He never cries or protests, but I can't leave him until he actually goes back to sleep or he'll just get right back up and follow me. So I totter on the edge of this teeny-tiny twin bed, waiting impatiently to hear his little snore.

It's maddening, y'all.

It was during one of these dragging-Coby-back-to-bed sessions that I (deliriously) came up with the following. I'm sure you've heard by now of the best adult-children's-book ever, "Go the F**k to Sleep" by Adam Mansbach? (If you haven't, do yourself a solid and pick it up for a good laugh. It's hilarious.) Anyway, this is a poem inspired by that classic piece of literature ... and I call it, "Stay the F**k in Your Own Bed." Mr. Mansbach, if you're reading this, I'm available to write a sequel. Call me.

*ahem*

It's 8:30, and you're getting sleepy,
The books have already been read.
We've done kisses, hugs, prayers, and tuck-ins;
Time to stay the f**k in your own bed.


The room is all darkened and cozy,
You've a pillow just right for your head.
Your blankets are so soft and snuggly, my dear,
So stay the f**k in your own bed.


I know that you like to be cuddled,
And you'd rather be with us instead. 
You just don't know the value of having some space
Now just stay the f**k in your own bed.


Your silence makes mommy sleep soundly;
But your footsteps, they fill me with dread.
Because I know that means getting up, yet again,
PLEASE stay the f**k in your own bed!


12:30 ... you don't need a juice box.
1:20 ... you don't need to be fed.
2:12 ... yes I know you want to sleep with us ...
But stay the f**k in your own bed!!


Looky here, kid - your room is so awesome,
A sweet setup, brand new, blue and red; 
What's so great about our bed? Sagging mattress, old box springs?
Stay the f**k in your own awesome bed! 


Sometimes I just want to say "screw it,"
And give in, and forget what I said,
But each parenting expert I call on proclaims,
"Get that kid the f**k back to his bed!"


I know that someday, it'll work out,
I'll be able to sleep like the dead.
But before that day comes, I'll be up every hour
'Til you STAY THE F**K IN YOUR OWN BED!!!