Your Fashion is Clashin'

I've never been "into" fashion. That's not to say I'm unfashionable, exactly - it's not like I'm sporting a Spongebob t-shirt and plaid polyester pants or something - but let's put it this way: more often than not, it's me saying, "Oh, I love that outfit!" instead of it being the other way around.

It's just ... jeans are easy. And go with almost everything. And accessories are confusing.

Like, I don't follow any fashion blogs. That'd be like me following a blog about auto mechanics or sports: two things I don't exactly get, and don't exactly care that I don't get them. But occasionally, a couple of the bloggers I read sashay into fashion-blog territory. They'll post pictures of themselves wearing an outfit and say, like, where each piece came from. And each time I see this type of post, I can't help but wonder if I'm missing some sort of crucial "fashion gene."

I trust that these outfits are actually stylish, because Lord knows these women have more fashion sense in their pinkie fingers than I do in my entire body. And they always do look cute, in a put-together sort of way. But I never quite "get it." If I did some of the things they do, fashion-wise, I'd just end up looking funny. I don't understand how some women can combine, say, some furry boots and a zebra-print scarf and some shiny leggings and a crazy hat and be considered fashion-forward ... because when I try to combine items to make a stylish outfit, I just end up looking like a bag lady who threw on everything she owned to avoid having to carry it. What is the difference between these chicks and myself? Why is it okay to mix this pattern and this pattern, but ohmygawd no you did not just mix that pattern and that pattern?

My favorite magazine is Marie Claire - and while I obviously don't subscribe for the fashion tips, that's naturally a part of any women's mag. And there's a perfect example of what I'm talking about in this month's issue. In the "Luxe Looks for Less" article (page 66 if y'all are reading along), dead-center of the page, there's the following outfit:

-A hot-pink-and-black-striped shirt
-A pair of bright green, like GRASS green, pants
-An orange belt
-A pair of black heels with bright green toes
-A ... tan purse. With dark-brown tassel-y things

Okay, seriously? Call me completely inept but HOW ON EARTH DOES ANY OF THAT CRAP GO TOGETHER? Except for, like, the green jeans and the green toes of the shoes. Otherwise it just looks clashy to me. I'd say it was the bright colors that unify the outfit, except the demure tan purse blows that theory out of the water. And I know if I went into the store, and tried to pull together a similarly random outfit, that I would look like utter poo and people would be all, "WTF? Did she get dressed in the dark?" Yet here is this outfit, gracing the pages of a fashionable magazine, billed as a "luxe look" that I should run out and buy right now in order to be cute. How do you put together these seemingly unrelated pieces and make a "look" out of it ... and why does the "look" still not look all that fashionable to me?

What am I doing wrong here?! What am I not catching onto?! Sometimes it makes me feel like I should just turn in my girl card and start growing out my armpit hair (oh wait, I'm already doing that) and burping and scratching myself in public. I'm a frustrating mix of androgyny: not-quite-girl and not-exactly-dude.

But whatever I am, if you see me wearing an outfit that's considered "cute" or "trendy," and it's fashionably accessorized, that's because I saw it on a mannequin somewhere. Trust. Because until someone slaps me upside my head with some fashion sense? I don't think I've ever going to get it.