There's No "Petite" in My Appetite

I think I have some kind of weird disorder. Or maybe I should try to be all positive about it and say it's some kind of super power. You wanna know what it is?

I can eat like a man.

But not just any man: a sumo wrestler and part-time lumberjack who eats competitively in his spare time and has been deprived of food for a week.

I swear, it takes ridiculous quantities of food to make me feel physically full, and even when I'm full, I never exactly feel satisfied. I'm not exaggerating one iota when I tell you that I could eat an entire large pizza, or a whole batch of cookies, all by my lonesome. I don't, of course, because if I always ate what I felt like eating, I'd have to wear a circus tent as a muumuu. But I can tell you this from experience, because there have been times in my life when my gluttonous self has actually done these things. Even when I was a kid, I was this way: once, in like seventh grade, my friend and I went to McDonalds and ate six or seven burgers each.

When Curtis and I first got together, we went to a nice restaurant and ate a huge dinner of steak and crab legs. He? Threw up in the parking lot. (True story!) But I? Was thinking I could've used dessert.

It's always been very (very very very) difficult for me to practice portion control. And I'm just baffled by people who can eat, like, half an enchilada (you know who you are!) and proclaim themselves full. Really? Really? I'd eat the enchilada, the side dishes, and the garnish, and probably the plate if I thought it'd taste good. I look at the recommended serving sizes on food packages and I'm all, "Huh? Who would be happy with a half-cup of ice cream?!" ... Especially when you could have, like, the whole pint.

(And seriously, have you ever checked out the serving size on a jar of pickles? Usually it's a HALF A PICKLE. Who the hell eats half a pickle?)

I have to keep myself constantly in check, because I kinda dig being able to shop in the regular sizes know that eating that way is totally unhealthy. But it's so hard. "Slow down and enjoy your food," the medical and dietary professionals in the magazines advise. "Savor every bite. Eat without distractions. Chew thoroughly. Eat lots of fiber to feel full."

Yeah. Done all that. Still doesn't help. Do you know how much fiber I take in? I create enough natural gas to power my entire town. Seriously.

So until someone comes up with a magic solution, I'll just have to stick with eating one slice of pie ... and fantasizing about the remaining seven.