Boy Troubles
At this point, if anyone without kids came up to me and said, "Hey Rita, what's it like to have kids?" I'm not sure I'd want to answer. I might scare them out of reproducing. Because, y'all? I'm just tired.
I'd probably say something along the lines of, "Take your normal life duties and complicate them, like, a hundredfold. Pretend that while you were on your bathroom break at work, someone came in and scribbled all over the walls of your cubicle or crunched cereal crumbs into your keyboard. Smudge up the screen of that shiny smartphone and get it all sticky. Walk around with a perpetual (and often unidentifiable) stain on your shirt and/or pants and hope no one will notice. Take some of your hard-earned money and toss it out the window of your car as you roll down the highway. And cancel your social plans for tonight - oh, and tomorrow night, and the rest of the month, because surprise! Your household has pinkeye! Hope you've practiced administering eye drops to, say, a grumpy octopus. And PS, stock up on laundry detergent, because someone's gonna poop right through their shorts."
Yep, that's what I'd tell them. It was pretty much that kind of weekend.
On top of everything else, Cameron lost his BRAND NEW pair of Nike flip-flops. He had them for less than twenty-four hours - actually, to be completely accurate, less than twelve. And now they're gone, vanished without a freaking trace. I have ransacked the entire house: under beds, under the couch, behind the couch, in the freezer, in the dryer, in the heater vents. I still can't fathom how he can completely lose a pair of shoes. Misplace them, maybe, but not make them disappear into thin air. And what's worse? This is the second pair of new shoes he's lost. The first, his less-than-a-week-old pair of K-Swiss, met the same fate, whatever fate that may be. This was almost eight months ago, and we've still never found those. I gotta start buying this dude generic shoes. Either that or magic lessons, because he obviously has a natural talent.
But the best part of the weekend? Was when Curtis had to remove the entire toilet from the floor in order to remove the bulb syringe that was clogging up the works:
I mean, seriously?? How the heck do you even flush one of those things? Nobody's fessing up, but I have my suspicions. *coughCameroncough*
And now today, Colin is officially graduating from Kindergarten. After 11:30, he's officially out of school for the summer, which means one more kid to get into stuff during the day (and a marked increase in bickering, squabbling, and knock-down drag-out scrapping).
If you'll excuse me, I need to make out my grocery list. Rope ... duct tape ...
I'd probably say something along the lines of, "Take your normal life duties and complicate them, like, a hundredfold. Pretend that while you were on your bathroom break at work, someone came in and scribbled all over the walls of your cubicle or crunched cereal crumbs into your keyboard. Smudge up the screen of that shiny smartphone and get it all sticky. Walk around with a perpetual (and often unidentifiable) stain on your shirt and/or pants and hope no one will notice. Take some of your hard-earned money and toss it out the window of your car as you roll down the highway. And cancel your social plans for tonight - oh, and tomorrow night, and the rest of the month, because surprise! Your household has pinkeye! Hope you've practiced administering eye drops to, say, a grumpy octopus. And PS, stock up on laundry detergent, because someone's gonna poop right through their shorts."
Yep, that's what I'd tell them. It was pretty much that kind of weekend.
On top of everything else, Cameron lost his BRAND NEW pair of Nike flip-flops. He had them for less than twenty-four hours - actually, to be completely accurate, less than twelve. And now they're gone, vanished without a freaking trace. I have ransacked the entire house: under beds, under the couch, behind the couch, in the freezer, in the dryer, in the heater vents. I still can't fathom how he can completely lose a pair of shoes. Misplace them, maybe, but not make them disappear into thin air. And what's worse? This is the second pair of new shoes he's lost. The first, his less-than-a-week-old pair of K-Swiss, met the same fate, whatever fate that may be. This was almost eight months ago, and we've still never found those. I gotta start buying this dude generic shoes. Either that or magic lessons, because he obviously has a natural talent.
But the best part of the weekend? Was when Curtis had to remove the entire toilet from the floor in order to remove the bulb syringe that was clogging up the works:
I mean, seriously?? How the heck do you even flush one of those things? Nobody's fessing up, but I have my suspicions. *coughCameroncough*
And now today, Colin is officially graduating from Kindergarten. After 11:30, he's officially out of school for the summer, which means one more kid to get into stuff during the day (and a marked increase in bickering, squabbling, and knock-down drag-out scrapping).
If you'll excuse me, I need to make out my grocery list. Rope ... duct tape ...
Don't forget to add wine, vodka, and beer to the list. It's gonna be a LONG summer.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny how we were worried about sending our kids to kindergarten this fall and now that the year is over... I'd send mine right back to summer school if it was available!
ReplyDeleteIt's tiring being a mama.
Oh I love scaring mom-to-bes about motherhood.
ReplyDeleteI feel you. It's exhausting. Non-stop. Honestly, I would kill to have only had to drain and remove toilet, pull out object, put it back together. The Girl swallowed a plastic Big Bird head off of a hair band, and I had to sift through every poop for a week until it showed up.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't help it, I lol'd at the bulb syringe. It reminds me of the day I plunged a large butterfly hairclip from our toilet, which was a better day than when we had to have the toilet replaced because someone (ok, it was me) accidentally flushed a bottle of lotion. Don't ask. Sometimes you just gotta laugh.
ReplyDeleteOh Rita!! I feel your pain GIRLIE!! I have two boys that keep me a runnin' all day!! My oldest needs a zipper on his mouth cause it is seriously on and running from sun-up until sun-down!! He is 5 and has no volume control as of yet either!! My youngest just turned ONE and isn't afraid of anything. Loves standing up in the front cubby on carts at stores and scare the HECK out of Momma!! I love your Blog and look forward to more stories that make my life seem more "normal" and even funny at times!!
ReplyDeleteValium...
ReplyDeleteI have four down and out with flu - super fun!
I love the "grumpy octopus" reference! I remember those days.
ReplyDeleteI also remember spending several hours at your Aunt Judy & Uncle Jim's taking out a toilet to retrieve a Fisher-Price cow (or was it a horse?). It happens to every parent eventually!
I'm right there with you...'cept mine was a hot wheels zamboni and seemed to go down without a problem! And lucky for that cuz we rent! Oh, and the eye drops? Brutal!! I feel your pain.
ReplyDeleteJill
Freakin kids! But ya know what...someday we really WILL look back at these times fondly. Especially when we're dealing with surly teenagers. And I'm thankful to report that the only flushing issue we've had was with that pesky burrito. So far, no toys and or medical instruments.
ReplyDeleteUmmmm, good luck with the summer my friend, good luck.