Dear House ...

Dear House,

I think there are a few things we need to get straight. I appreciate you providing my family with warmth and shelter and all, but, well, we pay for that so it's kind of your job. Despite the fact that you essentially do what you're supposed to do, I have a little bit of an issue.

It's your personal hygeine.

The thing is ... I just cleaned you, like, last week. I spent an entire day dusting and mopping and spraying and wiping and scrubbing and buffing and vacuuming. It made me tired. I broke two nails. My hair got all frizzy. In short, I worked really hard.

Fast-forward just a few days, though, and here we are: you, looking like a hot mess - like you haven't been touched in months - and me, frustrated.

Now House. I know you don't have much better to do than just sit here, but just because it's boring being a house doesn't mean you need to pass the time by effing with the owners. It's not funny to keep re-dirtying yourself, or, like, otherwise deteriorating. Your front porch, for example. I spent for-freaking-ever repainting it last summer, yet it's chipping like a two-dollar manicure as we speak.

I realize it's my duty to help you out and keep you looking tip-top, but seriously, House, do me a solid and maintain a little bit. When you're clean, stay clean for longer than 24 hours, k? Because I'd actually enjoy sprucing you up a lot more if I could wait a little bit longer in between. (You're in good company with your friend Grass, who will be recieving a similar talking-to very soon.)

I'm going to be cleaning you today. Keep this conversation in mind, pleaseandthankyou.

Your Owner,