Zom-biatch - UPDATED!

Joanne realized with dismay that her expensive anti-aging serum wasn't working after all.

Hi, my name is Rita, and I'm scared of zombies.

I don't mean as in the "Wow, those things are kinda creepy" way. I mean as in the "petrified-when-I-think-about-them, can't-go-to-the-bathroom-alone-after-watching-them-on-TV, nightmares-for-a-week" type of scared. My logical mind knows they don't exist. But the part of my brain that overrides my logical mind? Is a cowardly little bitch when it comes to zombies. In fact, every night before I go to bed, I glance out my bedroom window into the darkness of my yard to make sure there are no zombies lurching their undead way up to my door. Embarrassing true story, y'all. But I can't help it.

And okay, I (sheepishly) admit it: the other day I Googled "is a zombie apocalypse possible."

What? I might need to be, you know, prepared.

*ahem* 

I can trace the fear back all the way to my childhood, when I was about five and my parents left me in the care of my teenaged siblings for the afternoon - who decided that a scary movie marathon would be fun. (Way to go, guys.) I'll never forget it: we watched Return of the Living Dead, and ever since then, zombies are the numero-uno way to make my stomach drop and my knees knock.

Oddly enough, though - as scared as I am - zombie movies are my absolute favorite type of horror movie to watch. I was thrilled when AMC debuted its new show The Walking Dead on Halloween night - and apparently I'm in good company, as it was the most-watched episode premiere in history. Now I can't wait for Sunday nights when it comes on. It's my new guilty pleasure. (Anybody else obsessed with that show? Holla!)

My brother Steve and I were having an interesting discussion the other day, and I thought I'd bring it to the blog for some outside opinions. So here it is, the burning question of the day:

If zombies were real, would they poop?

I say they would. I mean, they still walk, and eat - which are basic biological functions. And if you eat, well, you know what happens. But my brother argues that you never see a zombie who has ... shat himself. Here's the exact text he sent me:

Steve: They seem to be lacking in dexterity. I don't think they just drop pants and squat.

After which he added, "More research is required."

I say that you wouldn't even be able to tell if they'd soiled themselves, seeing as they're already gross and decaying and dirty. But Steve insists that you'd be able to see.

Opinions? Lend me your braaaaaaaaaaiiiins ...

UPDATE: So a few hours ago, my brother directed me toward The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead. According to author Max Brooks, and page 11-12 of the book:

"Recent evidence has once and for all discounted the theory that human flesh is the fuel for the undead. A zombie's digestive tract is completely dormant. The complex system that processes food, extracts nutrition, and excretes waste does not factor into a zombie's physiology. Autopsies conducted on neutralized undead have shown that their 'food' lies in its original, undigested state at all sections of the tract. This partially chewed, slowly rotting matter will continue to accumulate, as the zombie devours more victims, until it is forced through the anus, or literally bursts through the stomach or intestinal lining. While this more dramatic example of non-digestion is rare, hundreds of eyewitness reports have confirmed undead to have distended bellies. One captured and dissected specimen was found to contain 211 pounds of flesh within its system! Even rarer accounts have confirmed that zombies continue to feed long after their digestive tracts have exploded from within."

So there you have it. "Expert" proof - I mean, at least from a dude who wrote a book - that zombies do not in fact poop (unless the aforementioned food-forcing-through-the-anus thing happens. In which case ... EW!).