The New-Mom Illusion

Do you ever look at your kids with disbelief and think, "Why are you acting like this?"

No? Well ... you will. I promise. Sorry to tell you this, but your time is coming.

I admit it: in the past, I've been guilty of being a bit (okay, a lot) self-righteous. Because when Colin was a baby, he was a good baby. I mean, really good. He was quiet and smiley and bright, rarely crying unless he legitimately needed something. And we'd go out in public - like to the grocery store - and I'd see a mother with, say, a tantrum-throwing two-year-old and I'd smugly think, "Man, I'm glad my kid's not a brat like that." When the two-year mark passed, and Colin was still well behaved, I was totally riding that parental high horse. (I know. Don't you just want to slap me?!) I was sure we'd bypassed the "terrible twos" thanks to our angelic child and superior parenting skills.

Ha. Hahahahahahaha.

Then late in his twos, closer to three, it began. The meltdowns. The diva-esque behavior. No longer was he happy to obediently go along with what Mommy wanted; now it was all about what Colin wanted, and if our visions didn't line up? Look out.

When Cameron was born, I was relieved. Because he was "good," just like his brother had been. And naively I thought it was a goodness that would last, that even though Colin had "turned to the dark side," Cameron would be the one that was GENUINELY good, like enough to stay that way. Why hadn't I learned my lesson the first time?! I shouldn't have been surprised when, at about two and a half, he started to form opinions and defy things he normally complied with. But I was.

So that brings us to now. I swear, Colin is a fourteen-year-old girl in a five-year-old boy's body: I didn't know a Kindergartener could be that dramatic. He's been getting in some trouble at school for bugging other kids when they're trying to work. And at almost three years old, Cameron is constantly in trouble for a.) sticking his tongue out at us or b.) biting his brothers or c.) a combination of both, and when we do something he doesn't like, we can expect an impassioned exclamation of "You're mean!"

Even my Mii gets pissed at Colin's.

I watch SuperNanny. I read parenting articles out the ying-yang. I am consistent with my discipline. I set clear boundaries for my kids. I keep them on a regular schedule. But y'all? Nothing I do seems to fundamentally change anything. I think it's that way for the vast majority of parents. You can seek the advice, you can apply it, but you can't expect a miracle. Kids will be kids, and kids can be brats sometimes. All kids. No matter how well-behaved they start out to be.

Coby, our 14-month-old, is good. For now. But I give it another ten months or so - a little more, if we're lucky. This time, I didn't even harbor the "new-mom illusion" that he's this extraordinarily placid, docile and obedient child - or that my brand of discipline is naturally perfect (I couldn't even type that line without laughing).

So for any mom who has ever secretly looked down upon another during a public meltdown, while your little bundle of joy sits beaming and quiet in the shopping cart, just wait. Because that angelic little chubster is actually a ticking time bomb.

Don't say I didn't warn you.