Five Things I Hate About Halloween

So as it turns out, there really was a whore at the door. (Check my last entry if you're confused.) At least in appearance, if not in practice. I'm referring to the legions of pint-sized stripper lookalikes that paraded their hot-costumed heinies across my porch for Halloween candy. I'm talkin' about this type of thing:

Picture via MomLogic. See more examples in their gallery ... ugh!

I swear, some of the costumes I saw really brought out the "crotchety old lady" in me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed a few years' worth of risque Halloween-wear in my heyday (slutty witch, slutty gypsy, slutty somebody-in-an-afro-wig) - but that was when I was an adult. Like twenty-plus. Going to adult parties. Not trick-or-treating. Some of these little girls looked like they'd purchased their costumes at one of those stores that carries penis-shaped ice trays and hats with boobs on the front. I'm no prude, but there's just something inherently wrong about anyone under voting age trying to look drinking age.

That being said, let's delve into some more of my Halloween pet peeves, shall we? (Having had 250+ trick-or-treaters this year, I consider myself somewhat of an expert on this subject ... so feel free to quote me.)

Teenagers Trick-or-Treating. First of all, let me apologize if you're the parent of a teenaged trick-or-treater who has some legitimate reason to be out and about. But I think once you tack "teen" onto your age - fourteen, at the very most - you should leave the costumes to the kiddies and stick to handing out candy or toilet papering people's houses or something. It irritates me when a trick-or-treater comes up to me with a.) cleavage that rivals a breast-augmentation "after" picture, or b.) a deep and masculine voice and/or facial hair. Dude and Dudette, it's obvious that you have already gone through puberty and therefore have no place hanging out among the elementary-aged hobgoblins, so get the hell off my steps. Which brings us to number two ...

A Serious Lack of Manners. This again is mostly something that I notice among the older trick-or-treaters: a complete lack of the fundamental "please" and "thank you." Not only that, but half of them don't even say the requisite "trick or treat," choosing instead to rudely and greedily thrust their open bags in my direction. When I take my kids door to door, I make sure that they use their manners at every. Single. House. If not, we're going home: simple as that. Even my two-year-old is able to follow that rule, so it shouldn't be hard for anyone - especially people who are ten or more years older than he is.

"Trick or Treat, Smell My Feet." In the same vein as a lack of manners, we have this ridiculous and rude little ditty: "Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat," and all its stupid ending variations (i.e., "If you don't, I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear"). I don't hand out candy to kids who say that to me. Period. Call me bitchy, but it's disrespectful. And if your kids say this, shame on you for letting them. And if you actually encourage them to say this - as I heard one father do, urging his two little girls to say it at my house - you should be slapped upside your head. I gave those two little girls candy, but only out of sympathy that they had such a dumbass father. When they left, Colin looked up at me, wide-eyed, and said, "I didn't even laugh. I don't think that was funny." Could I have been any prouder? Probably not. Because I don't think there's anything funny about being rude to people who are generously giving you stuff.

Babies Trick-or-Treating. At the opposite end of the age spectrum are the "trick-or-treating" babies. And by "trick-or-treating" I mean "riding around dressed up in a stroller and sleeping or looking bored while their parents say 'trick-or-treat' for them and collect candy on their behalf." Here's the thing. I have three kids myself, and I know how cute babies look in costumes. I know that you can't wait to dress them up and parade them around, and there's nothing wrong with that. But the whole "getting candy" thing? Is for kids with teeth. Who can say "trick-or-treat!" themselves and walk up to the door and hold their own candy bag. Until my kids are able to do this, I dress them up and maybe take them to the neighbor's house, or my mom's or something - but never door to door. If it's candy you want, parents of babies, maybe try going out and buying some like the rest of us did. Raiding your kids' stash should be a privilege reserved for parents of age-appropriate trick-or-treaters!

So there you have it: five things that bug me about what is, otherwise, one of my favorite holidays. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm stepping off my soapbox ... and right on over to the cabinet, to once again remove all the "unsafe" candy from my boys' hoard.

Just doing my job, folks.