Daylight Ravings

So unless you live in Arizona or Hawaii, or outside of the U.S. altogether, you realize that today is the day when we lucky denizens of (most of) the States get to turn our clocks back an hour for the pain in the ass phenomenon known as Daylight Saving Time. And frankly, I'm sick to death of the misleading information I'm hearing about it. Because supposedly - supposedly - turning the clock back leads to an extra hour of sleep. But hear this, you perky newscasters, you chipper radio personalities, you newspaper headlines, all proclaiming that we should enjoy that extra hour: I'm calling you out on your lies. Because for those of us who have small children that don't go by the clock? We'd be more likely to see Pegasus landing on our porches with Santa Claus riding on his back than any so-called "extra" sleep.

My kids are early birds anyway - they woke me up before six today. But thanks to the lovely clock setback, it was before five. And you know what? When you open your eyes and look at the clock and you know you have to wake up even though it only says 4:41, you're automatically dead tired. Stumbling, braindead, holding-your-eyelids-open-with-toothpicks tired. I don't care if your body thinks you've slept until almost six; your brain has registered that it's almost five, and therefore too early to be up, and therefore it's all, "Screw this! I'm going back to sleep!" which is why you try to change the baby with a box of tissues and burn the pancakes black while you zone out staring at the spatula.*

*And by "you" I may or may not mean "me." 

Extra hour my ass. They ought to call it "A-Big-Eff-You-to-the-Parents-of-Small-Children-Day." Because little kids don't have any concept of the clock. They just wake up when they're not tired any more - so if they usually wake up at seven, they wake up at seven. Only now it's six. Thanks a bucket, Daylight Saving Time.

And then? You get to hear about it. On the news, in the paper, all over Facebook, in your Twitter stream. People everywhere, proclaiming how awesome it's gonna be to have an extra hour of sleep and how we should all take advantage of this glorious opportunity and how scientists say that this one extra hour of sleep could, like, make up our entire sleep deficit for the year and boost our IQ by 20 points and possibly even make us immune to disease.*

*This may not be scientifically factual information. 

The only good thing about Daylight Saving Time - the one and only perk - is that now the kids will be ready for bed at seven instead of eight. Which means I have one more hour to catch up on the laundry and the dishes and the clutter.

... Did I actually just call that a perk?

I think I'm moving to Arizona.