Fashionably Challenged

I hate fashion. And I don't mean hate in the "I-don't-care-how-I-look" way ... I mean it in the way that you secretly feel sad inside when you want something you can't have. It's more like envy, I guess: I envy those who know how to look good. Because no matter how much I try to educate myself about it, y'all, I just don't ever feel fashionable, and I have trouble keeping up with what's cute and what's not.

It's not like I walk around looking like a slack-jawed skank. I don't have a closet full of "What Not to Wear"-worthy attire or anything ... it's just all boring and outdated (and, um, black). Despite the stacks of women's magazines I subscribe to - Marie Claire, Allure, Self - I wouldn't know a trend if it came up and bitch-slapped me ... which is exactly what I feel like is going to happen when I'm shopping. I browse unconfidently through the racks, choosing pieces timidly, like some squad of savage fashionistas is going to eat me alive if I pick the wrong thing.

I think it's because a lot of the fashionable women I know are so judgy. They can spot a designer knockoff or a cheap imitation from a mile away, and almost always call out such style misdeeds in the snarkiest way possible. I mean, why do you think worst-dressed lists are so popular? People love to hate on other people's style ... or lack thereof. And I don't wanna get hated on, y'all. So I just stick to the jeans-and-tee basics, and blend boringly in.

Here are some more reasons why the contents of my closet could put you to sleep:

- I'm not cutting-edge. I can't spot a trend until it's splashed onto every magazine page, until every celebrity is wearing it, until I see it on every cute-looking twentysomething in the grocery store.

 - I'm just clueless. I don't know what is "so last season." By the time I do pick up on a trend, and trust that it's stylish enough that I won't get made mad fun of, it's on its last legs. Last night, for example, I stood in the shoe department for twenty minutes agonizing over whether or not to buy a pair of black flats. Flats have been "in" for a while now. So does that mean they're almost out? I ended up not buying any ... and by the time I do, they'll be fashionably obsolete.

- I hardly ever like a trend when it first hits. I thought Uggs were ugg-ly when they were all the rage. It wasn't until I saw enough people wearing them, and looking cute despite them, that I thought ... hmm. Maybe they're not all that bad. Maybe I'd even rock a pair. (I never did, though). And now? I want to barf when I see stuff like those horrible jean-leggings (jeggings?). But again: give me a few months, and just as I start to warm to the trend, it'll be out the door.

- I can't figure out what goes with what. Just because you give somebody a bunch of rhyming words doesn't mean they can write a good poem. Likewise, I can be surrounded by trendy clothing and accessories without the slightest clue how to match them up.

- I can't figure out how to do any of it on a budget. I mean, outside of shopping at cheap places. I've got three kids and a mortgage. My entire wardrobe, save for a shirt and a pair of jeans from Guess, comes from Target, Old Navy, and Walmart. (Yes. Really. Walmart.) The last outfit I bought was from Old Navy: a sweater, a camisole (on sale for $3 and some change), a scarf, a pair of jeans, and a pair of boots (with a 50% off coupon). It cost me somewhere around $75. That's relatively cheap I suppose, considering all I bought, and yet ... that's just one outfit. There are seven days in a week. Y'all do the math. At that rate, I can only afford to look fashionable, like, two days a month.

Come to think of it, I'm not even sure it is fashionable. I mean, it's a really basic outfit. But it has a scarf ... and boots. Boots are trendy now, right? And I wore my jeans tucked into them, which is cool, yeah?

Hello?

Here. Let me just show you. Here is the sweater ...

... which I wear with this cami underneath ...

... to match this scarf ...

(You can't really tell from the pic, but it honestly does match the rest of my stuff.)

... with these boots:

And, you know, some dark wash jeans.

Seriously though, it took me like an hour to pick out just this one outfit ... which may or may not be on-trend - I'd never know. Ugh. What I need is a stylist: someone to hand me some pictures, like the ones I just posted, and be all, "Okay Rita, this goes with this and this. Go buy it."

Anyone offering classes in Remedial Dressing 101? 'Cause I'm totally in.