Children: the Best Form of Birth Control

I know, it seems contradictory. But it's true: the best way to prevent pregnancy is, well, children.

I say this because I have personal experience. Like, lots. Because right now it's Saturday night and I'm sitting here at the computer, blogging, instead of snuggling up to my husband. He's here, and I'm here, and the kids are in bed, and for once my legs don't resemble a coniferous forest - but any chance for intimacy was rudely thwarted by three little words (and no, they weren't "Not tonight, dear"):

Daddy, please stay.

I knew he was done for. Tucking the boys in and leaving the room is one thing - but when they ask him to stay and lay down with them, which he can never resist, I know I won't see him again until I wake him up and tell him to go to bed. He'll be sawing logs faster than a lumberjack on speed, and I'll be falling asleep in front of "Chelsea Lately" with the remote in one hand and some kind of unnecessary and fattening snack in the other.

Or, you know, blogging.

Either way: ABSTINENCE. No nookie. Which, obviously, is the most failproof method of pregnancy prevention.

I'd like to say this is a rare occurrence, but I think there are spiders setting up cobwebs "down there," y'all. And I've got my children to thank. They're absolutely fantastic - uncanny, really - at barring any and all chances for bow-chicka-wow-wowwww up in here.

I wrote a little poem:

Hubby won't be needing a vasectomy;
No packets of birth-control pills for me.
Just put a kid to sleep in our bed,
A guaranteed method to kill the mood dead.

No need for fancy lingerie -
Don't even own a negligee.
No desire for all that sexy getup
When most of the time I'm covered in spit-up.

A daytime quickie sure sounds nice,
Five minutes ain't great, but it'll suffice.
Until little people are pounding the door
Yelling, "Mommy, what are you locked in there for?"

Even if there are no kids in the room,
It seems like our efforts are automatically doomed
'Cause just as soon as I'm building up steam,
Comes a call of "Mommy, I had a bad dream!"

So keep your condoms and diaphragms,
Your spermicides, your rhythm plans.
Because I've tried 'em all - and on the whole,
KIDS are the best form of birth control.