Why I Shouldn't Even Have a Blog

Guys, my last blog was written on Thursday. It's Tuesday now. And for someone with the burning desire to blog on the daily, well - that just sucks a whole bunch of ass.

When I went from two kids to three and still managed to blog regularly - even from my hospital bed after delivery, via my iPhone - I naively thought, "This isn't so bad. I can do this. WIN!" and I was all, like, proud of my bloggy dedication and stuff. And for a few precious months, I kept up an admirable posting schedule.
But that was before my littlest man, Coby, did more than eat, sleep, and poop. In eight short months, this ...

... has turned into this:

 I know it's blurry, but it's hard to catch the little stinker standing still.

Now that he's mobile, doing anything for an extended period is twenty times harder. Throw the older two and our 5-month-old Lab puppy into the mix, and attempting to blog makes me want to toss my kids my dog my computer through a window.

Let's use this very post as an example. I sat down, and opened blogger to a nice fresh "new post" page. But my thoughts were interrupted by my two-year-old, Cameron, literally climbing into my chair and onto my back, saying, "Mommy? Can I have Nick Jr. on the computer? Momm-eeeee? Nick Jr. pleeeeeease?" which dissolved into frantic, high-pitched whines when I declined his request. While he was using me as his personal jungle gym and deafening me from the ear-splitting volume of his big little voice, I noticed the baby making a mad dash for the dog food. When I hopped up out of the chair, I toppled Cameron out too, which made the whines turn into full-fledged wails. His foot was tangled in a cord, which made the keyboard clatter to the floor. Since I couldn't get to the baby with the required speed, I tried to yell his name. But I forgot it. I called him by both brothers' names, and the dog's, before finally breaking free of the chaotic tangle at the computer and swooping Coby away from the greasy, stinking kibbles just in the nick of time.

I thought I'd set him up with some toys and he'd be fine. But no. I put him on the floor and he dissolved into indignant tears. So I thought I could maybe blog with him on my lap. It used to work, back before he was so squirmy and screamy, but not any more. He fussed and threw himself around and dropped his pacifier, which the dog promptly ran away with. So I had to get up and retrieve that and wash it. 

The older two whined for more breakfast, so I got them some yogurt. Josie (the dog) pooped on the floor, so I had to stop and clean that up. And wash my hands. Then Cameron's hands, because he had yogurt all over them ... and the living room carpet, prompting a lecture about the importance of eating at the table. Then Josie was chewing up a book. Then Colin (the four-year-old) was yelling, "Mommy! Cameron is disciplining me!" Then Coby decided he was hungry and Josie was chewing on a stuffed frog she's not supposed to have and Cameron was whining because he wanted a tape measure and Colin asked for more yogurt and Coby was hanging off my boob while I tried to type one-handed and then my head exploded!

Okay, my head didn't really explode but seriously, y'all? I thought it might. Or, at the very least, steam might come out of my ears like in the cartoons. 

So now here I am, nearing the end of my rant, which has taken me an impressive hour and a half to finish. And what did I write about? How I can't even write. Isn't it ironic?

... Don'tcha think?*

*Ten bonus points if you've now got Alanis Morissette's "Ironic" stuck in your head. Points are redeemable for ... well, nothing. Ahahaha! I'm an ass.**

**I've now used the word "ass" twice in this post. Which also makes me somewhat profane.

Anyway, allow me to apologize. Not for my overzealous usage of "ass," but for slacking on blog posting. And commenting. And replying. If y'all wanted a poop story, I could post one of those everysingleday - but, like my life, my blog needs more variety. 

I've got a couple of giveaways lined up, as soon as I can post them (re-read the above for clarification as to why I'm soooooo sloooooooow): CSN Stores, EdenFantasys (yes, it's a little on the naughty side!), eShakti.com clothing, and a book by the hilarious Lisa Kogan - so keep checking in and I promise, I'll give y'all the goods.

... As soon as I can catch a two-minute break.