It's the (Bum)Pits

Hello, my name is Rita and I'm hairstyle-challenged.

I can manage a ponytail (with a bunch of crazy flyaways). Oh, and a (crooked) bun. And I can flat-iron it straight, but only because if I don't, people mistake me for Roseanne Rosannadanna.

Anything else, fuhgeddaboutit. I see all these chicks with cute hairdos that I'd love to replicate, but asking me to achieve those looks with my own hair is like asking me to grow my own penis: pretty much impossible.

In my defense, it's hard to manage a 'fro hair like mine. It's thick and super-frizzy with a stubborn natural wave - not exactly shampoo commercial-quality tresses I'm working with here, y'all. So in the ongoing interest of - say it with me - fighting off frumpy, I decided to enlist some hairstyle help ... as-seen-on-TV-style.

Let me just tell you, I'm a sucker for pretty much any infomercial. So a long time ago when I saw a hairstyling tool called Bumpits on my TV, I knew I had to get me some. (I'm also, like, theeeee last person to jump on a trend ... which explains why I'm just now getting around to it.) Hoping to get that cute little "it-girl" bump all up in mah hurr (which is probably so yesterday by now), I bought myself the goods:

I should have known better than to buy something that sounds like an affliction best cured by deodorant. But damn it, I want cute hair. And it looks so simple: you stick one of these little plastic crescents in your hair, comb some over the top, and voila. I even know people who have Bumpits and look adorable with 'em in, just like in the ads (Betsy Givens, I'm talking to you).

But me? Not one of those people. There must be something wrong with my head ... like, it must be a weird shape or some such nonsense. Because when I put a Bumpit in, my hair doesn't look volumized - my head looks tall, like I'm just trying to comb some hair over my deformed dome. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong! I followed the directions. It really is easy. But on me, instead of cute, the end result is just kind of weird. Think Flo from the Progressive insurance commercials:

Yeeeeeah. Not exactly what I was going for.

But I suppose even a comparison to Flo is not as bad as what my own husband compared me to when he first saw me sporting a Bumpit.

"What do you think?" I asked tentatively, modeling my new 'do.

He hesitated, scrutinizing me before saying, "Um, it reminds me of a silverback gorilla."

WTF?

Silverback gorilla, huh? Guess it's back to rockin' the ponytail.