Sorta-Sacrilegious Sunday
It's Sunday morning - at least it is in my little corner of the blogosphere. And as you guys know, I usually either a.) don't post on Sundays or b.) post "Stuff I Like" Sunday (the link is to one of my personal favorites). But today I was browsing through my old MySpace blog and found something totally perfect for a Sunday post (or totally inappropriate, depending on how you look at it). Don't you fear for my salvation - I love me some Jesus - but this was too funny. Hope you get as much of a kick out of it as I did.
Who needs miracles ... when you've got the powah of the prayer rug?
I got the most fantastic surprise in Saturday's mail. Among the sale flyers and pizza coupons was a letter simply addressed to "Resident." Usually such things get immediately acquainted with my trash can - but I'm so glad I opened this one, because within that envelope was a wealth of blog-able goodness.
The letter began, "Dear ... Someone Connected with This Address" (oh my Lord, that's me!) and dated "Sunday, January 2008." It was sent from a congregation in Tulsa, Oklahoma: Saint Matthew's 57-year-old Church. (They kept including the "57-year-old" part, as if this factoid lends some sort of credibility.) And in big blue letters, virtually shouting from the page, it said, "GOD'S HOLY BLESSING OF POWER IS IN THE ENCLOSED ANOINTED PRAYER RUG OF FAITH WE ARE LOANING YOU TO USE!"
My first thought was, "How the hell did they fit a rug into this little-ass envelope?" But then I discovered the "rug" in question. And here it is:
Printed upon the back of said "rug" was the following message (and though I'd love to, I can't take credit for the Creative Capitalization - that's all them):
The letter instructed me to kneel on the rug, or just spread it over my knees, within the next 24 hours and pray. Then I was to place the rug in a Bible on Philippians 4:19 ("But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus"), and the next day, mail it back to the church in the postage-paid envelope - along with a prayer request, or a "seed gift to God's work" - a.k.a. a fat donation.
To confirm the miraculous nature of this purple paper Savior, there was a page of testimonials. For example, one "Sister" (parishioner? Nun? Black woman?) used the prayer rug and was blessed with $46,000!
Alas, I did not take advantage of the divine blessings offered to me. My 24-hour window is up, so I guess I'll just have to live without the spiritual bounty that the rug could have bestowed.
I hope the Lord doesn't think any less of me.
SUPER-SPECIAL UPDATE: Last night I got the following in an e-mail from my brother (who is almost - almost - as awesome as me) ...
Who needs miracles ... when you've got the powah of the prayer rug?
I got the most fantastic surprise in Saturday's mail. Among the sale flyers and pizza coupons was a letter simply addressed to "Resident." Usually such things get immediately acquainted with my trash can - but I'm so glad I opened this one, because within that envelope was a wealth of blog-able goodness.
The letter began, "Dear ... Someone Connected with This Address" (oh my Lord, that's me!) and dated "Sunday, January 2008." It was sent from a congregation in Tulsa, Oklahoma: Saint Matthew's 57-year-old Church. (They kept including the "57-year-old" part, as if this factoid lends some sort of credibility.) And in big blue letters, virtually shouting from the page, it said, "GOD'S HOLY BLESSING OF POWER IS IN THE ENCLOSED ANOINTED PRAYER RUG OF FAITH WE ARE LOANING YOU TO USE!"
My first thought was, "How the hell did they fit a rug into this little-ass envelope?" But then I discovered the "rug" in question. And here it is:
The big, purple, disembodied head of Christ (with a stunning patterned border!). Made out of paper, because paper is obviously the smartest choice of rug-making materials, y'all - it's totally stain proof durable soft and fluffy easy to fold up into a tiny envelope.
Printed upon the back of said "rug" was the following message (and though I'd love to, I can't take credit for the Creative Capitalization - that's all them):
This St. Matthew 18:19 Bible Prayer Rug is Soaked with the Power of Prayer for you. Use it immediately, then please return it with your Prayer Needs Checked on our letter to you. It must be mailed to a second home that needs a blessing after you use it. Prayer works. Expect God's blessing.
The letter instructed me to kneel on the rug, or just spread it over my knees, within the next 24 hours and pray. Then I was to place the rug in a Bible on Philippians 4:19 ("But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus"), and the next day, mail it back to the church in the postage-paid envelope - along with a prayer request, or a "seed gift to God's work" - a.k.a. a fat donation.
To confirm the miraculous nature of this purple paper Savior, there was a page of testimonials. For example, one "Sister" (parishioner? Nun? Black woman?) used the prayer rug and was blessed with $46,000!
Alas, I did not take advantage of the divine blessings offered to me. My 24-hour window is up, so I guess I'll just have to live without the spiritual bounty that the rug could have bestowed.
I hope the Lord doesn't think any less of me.
SUPER-SPECIAL UPDATE: Last night I got the following in an e-mail from my brother (who is almost - almost - as awesome as me) ...
"OMG! (or should I say OMJ!) I just read your blog about the prayer rug. I got one in the mail TODAY!"
It's eerie, no? That my brother would receive a prayer rug on the very same day that I blogged about it? Uncanny! As proof, he sent me a picture:
Coincidence, or psychic phenomenon?
I think I'm going to hell.
Geez. I'm embarrassed to think that this thing came from so close to me.
ReplyDeleteI like how it says it's "soaked in the power of prayer."
Like, they soaked it? Was it soggy? I would think a soggy paper rug would kind of lame.
That is so bizarre! Glad you didn't put it right in the trash because it does make for a good story.
ReplyDeleteDon't you love the gimmics these "so calleds" use....you would think just using the Bible would work. I'm amused by, "send a donation over $500, and we'll {send you this anointed cloth}{put you on a special prayer program}{mail you this 'Jesus Loves You' teddy bear}" etc. My Grandma works fine for me, and she's free! ;)
ReplyDeleteWhats next..wall to wall carpeting soaked in holy water..?? Who are they trying to get over on..certainly this is not what Jesus Would have done...(WWJD)...but again this is the 21st century..anything is possible..even a Rug-O Prayers...glad you shared this...LOL..tooo funny..!
ReplyDeletei think i saw one of those rugs at pottery barn...
ReplyDeletenew follower...love your blog!
I've gotten this 'rug' on several occasions in my life, it cracks me up EVERY TIME! Maybe someday I'll have to try it. . .Thanks for the giggle!
ReplyDeleteThat's a little creepy. I don't want a face on my rug.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I've never gotten one in the mail before. I guess that shows how Un-Holy I am.
Weird is someone paid to put a stamp on that.
ReplyDeleteLOL, I've never received a paper prayer rug, but I have - on two occasions - received a "Bible Miracle Hand of God," which is nothing more than one of those clear plastic hair-coloring gloves. Apparently you're supposed to put it on and touch someone while you pray for them and they're supposed to be healed. Who comes up with this stuff? And does anyone really believe it?!
ReplyDeletehey, it works for some, did you see the article today that a California megachurch got 2 million in donations in seven days when they sent out a plea for "need." I need to "plea."
ReplyDeleteDear Ms. Resident (I thought your name was Rita?) - I think it would be more likely God patting you on the back for your discernment that it was a scam - and not wasting your money! Eh - for every real thing out there, there will always be counterfeit and those scamming the money right out of your pockets. Of course they can't scam if one is not gullible.
ReplyDeleteAw, man...I knew there was something I wanted to Christmas - how I could forget about this?!?!
ReplyDelete~WM
I can't believe people use those things and take money from unsuspecting people. And I can't believe people fall for it!
ReplyDeleteDropped by from SITS.
While I love God, too...I totally dislike the gimmicks that come in the so called name of God. Kind of like those lovely little email prayers people send and THEN add if you don't do this prayer within 24 hours something horrible is going to happen to you. You put a funny spin on this...thanks for a chuckle today.
ReplyDeleteDuuuuuuuude...creepy! You totally had better send them, like, all your money or something. (LOL)
ReplyDeleteCreepy...I clicked on a link to this blog from a friend's blog earlier TODAY...I just went to get the mail JUST NOW and there was a letter that had St. Matthew 18:19 written on the outside. I was sorta hoping for a creepy prayer rug so that I could type a neeto comment on your blog. But, alas, they wanted me to send them a postcard (probably hoping for a "donation") so that I could get a "Prosperity Cross". Oh, and they wrote "This church ministry was established in 1951" - so I'm thinking it's the same organization that sent you the prayer rug - they're just trying new tactics these days ;)
ReplyDeleteOh, and I like how they want me to send the postcard to them before midnight tomorrow...what? This flyer/adverisement is so full of BS that it makes me ashamed to call myself a Christian!
ReplyDelete