Curtis ... in the Closet?

My husband is ... gasp! ... gay.


At least, that was the result of this highly scientific Internet quiz I took: "Is Your Husband Gay?" And we all know that the outcome of such a quiz is, like, totally credible. So really, I'm a little scared - because thanks to this quiz, I know that Curtis is probably leading a covert homosexual life. According to the results, it's probably just a matter of time before he abandons me completely in favor of the schlong. Before his secret boyfriend gets tired of being "the other man" (or I guess he would just be the man - since despite my beard I am technically a woman) and calls me up and is all, "Um, check your closet, honey. You've got a gay husband in there. And we're in love."

It all began when I was looking at a picture in my MySpace albums of Curtis wearing makeup. (It's not like he uses it on the daily - Colin had gotten into it and put it on him, and being the good dad that he is, he sat obligingly through the makeover.) Thanks to targeted marketing, which creeps me out a little sometimes, there was a link emblazoned brightly across the bottom of my screen: IS YOUR HUSBAND GAY? TAKE OUR QUIZ TO FIND OUT!

Naturally I had to know. I mean, simply asking him wouldn't do any good - because you know he'd just deny it. Like that time I watched Oprah and it was about married men with secret gay lifestyles and I was like, "Are you gay, sweetheart?" and he just looked me with a weird face. Like he's really going to just say yes ... yes I am. You know? 

So I clicked the link and took the quiz, giving each question much consideration and an honest response. And here are the results:

Your man is really in touch with his feminine side. We're not saying your man is gay; we're just saying he might be gay. Maybe he's the consummate metrosexual or maybe the signs point to the fact that there is something he's not telling you - like the fact that he likes men. At the heart of the matter, it appears your man enjoys some stereotypically "gay" things - ABBA, pink shirts. The Birdcage, cross-stitching and Broadway. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, you probably want to explore the fact that you and your man really aren't a match made in heaven. If you've had your suspicions, it's time to bring them up. While it's a great thing to have something in common with your significant other, your love of the same sex probably shouldn't be that "thing."

Though my answers had absolutely nothing to do with ABBA, pink shirts, The Birdcage, cross-stitching or Broadway, I'm sure the makers of the quiz know something about my man that I don't. They read between the lines. And thanks to their infinite wisdom regarding the traits and preferences of homosexuals, I am now certifiably "in" on the fact that my husband isn't yet "out." If not for their insightful quiz, I never would have known. I wasn't aware that his love of button-up shirts and classic rock - and the facts that he makes male friends easily and would rather go to a hockey game than a rock concert - point to a penchant for the peen.

He's down wit' O.P.P., y'all ... and that last "P" doesn't mean "property."

Honey, I know you'll read this, so here it is: go on and blast that ABBA with pride. Bust out those pink shirts and wear the hell out of 'em! You've got my support. I just wish you would have been honest with me from the start.

Now off to take another quiz so I can find out who secretly has a crush on me. I mean, I might just be on the market again. ;)