Dear Laundry ...
Dear Laundry,I get it. You're all wrinkled because it's some kind of protest for being left in the dryer too long, right? You're pissed at me because I had a bazillion other things to do and you had to sit there, getting cold, so you wrinkled all up to teach me a lesson? Well here's a news flash: you'll just have to be creased. Because if I can't transfer you from the dryer to the drawers in a timely manner, there's about a snowball's chance in hell that you'll get ironed. So really, the joke's on you.
While we're being honest with each other, let me just lay it all out on the table: I'm getting downright sick of you. You have the audacity to demand washing and drying on a daily basis, when I don't even have time to wash and dry myself on a daily basis. And if I don't get to you right away, you get all spiteful, multiplying like crazy and starting to emit this smell. Are you in competition with the cat box, laundry? Like since you're both in the same room you've got to outdo each other in the straight-up stank category? Well don't worry - I notice your presence, even without your funk. How could I not? You go from a couple of socks and T-shirts to a pile the size of Mt. Everest in a matter of hours. I don't even know how that happens, unless it's some kind of miracle. And by "miracle," I mean big bogus load of crap.
Yeah, I know. You keep my family from being naked. And yeah, that's important. But that? Does not mean you need to repeatedly attempt a hostile takeover. You and your psychological tactics. You know there's nothing I can do but give in to your forceful presence, so you just keep pushing it further and further. Cluttering up my bedroom floor and creeping out into the hallway and stuff. Come to think of it, it's probably a conspiracy. You're probably in cahoots with the other mess-makers in my life - like the cat - and when I'm not looking, you're all, "Hey cat. Why don't you barf on me so she'll have no choice but to put me right in the washer? Bwahahahaha!"
You may think you have the upper hand, laundry, but I'm onto you. And someday, maybe by the time the kids are grown, you will no longer have the power to overwhelm me.
Remember that.
Grudgingly yours, for now -
Now see? That goes right along with my other blog - http://lbddiaries.com/blog/?p=1772 - 'cause I think everything is in cahoots to get us running down the street - nekkid! Then they take over the house and celebrate victory. VERY funny blog today! Hang in there - they just don't KNOW you are the Queen of IT yet!
ReplyDeleteI hear ya. . .me n' that laundry pile do NOT get along. Ever.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Whats up with the anorexic laundry-doer in the pic? Scary.
Laundry is lowest on my list of things to do. Well it isn't washing it.It is putting away. It seems you can never get all the socks to match up. They say the washer eats them. Well then I have a real hungry washer. As much as it eats it needs to go on a diet.I know I gather all the socks and put them in the washer at the same time. But when it comes to matching them up, I am always a sock short.Go figure.
ReplyDeleteI need to have this conversation with the laundry in my house.
ReplyDeleteOMG day in the life of all mom's :) Seems like no matter how much laundry ya do the pile stays the same size or grows for that matter! Oh and glitter I thought it was the dryer that was the "sockivore" ? just saying
ReplyDeleteI hate the laundry.
ReplyDeleteAnd crap, you reminded me I need to switch my laundry from the washer to the dryer. I alway forget.
Kick that laundry's ass. Don't take any shit!
ReplyDeleteThat's hilarious! My laundry hates me because I constantly leave it in the dryer.
ReplyDeleteNan - That post was HYSTERICAL - way to speak out against appliance abuse. :)
ReplyDeleteMe - I have no idea! I didn't even notice the anorexic laundry-doer (love that title, btw) until you pointed him out. Weird. And creepy.
Grammie - I am CONSTANTLY lamenting the lack of sock-mates! I can't imagine what happens to 'em ... it's one of life's greatest mysteries.
Jen - Good luck with that. So far, it hasn't improved my situation any. ;)
Mommy - I know! I am never "caught up" with the laundry for more than a couple of hours.
Amber - I do too, and then I end up with a washer full of sour clothes that I have to re-wash. Terrible.
JenJen - Thanks for the ass-kicking inspiration! I'm gonna go all Grace Jones on that laundry.
Freddae' - Yep, ditto. I'm the kind of person that always needs to iron ... but rarely does. :)
I can't speak from the standpoint of "after the kids are grown", but as someone in the "before kids" state, I hate to tell you that our laundry is overwhelming, too. So, I have a feeling that it doesn't get any better after the kids are grown either...especially when they start bringing home their baskets of dirties from college. Sorry to be such a buzzkill!
ReplyDeleteI HEAR YA SISTER Let's start a gang and kick laundrys ASS. Fight club, laundry style. Cos it seems to me that I pretty much wear the same old crap, day in day out so where is it all coming from?????
ReplyDeleteJennifer - You are so right. I totally forgot about the "college dirties." Maybe I should install a coin-operated washer and dryer before that time ...
ReplyDeleteAlex - I was just telling Curtis that the other day! I have like TWO outfits that fit me right now, and I cycle through them whenever I go anywhere. So I KNOW I can't possibly contribute that much.
You so need to link this letter up on my Letters of Intent on Friday. This is so fantastically written and you will blow my readers out of the water!
ReplyDeleteJulie - Oooh, yeah, I will! Thanks! :)
ReplyDeleteYep, I did 21 loads of laundry when you and all your siblings were still at home. And now that you're all struggling with your very own laundry woes.....my hamper is STILL full! What's with that?! There are only two of us here now, but this morning I went in to deposit a dirty hand towel and there was a pant leg hanging out of the over-stuffed hamper like it was being devoured! UGH!
ReplyDeleteYea, you linked up! THANKS! I'm still loving your letter girly!
ReplyDeleteLOVE your letter! Great one! I abhor laundry!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI hate laundry, it is my nemesis!
ReplyDeleteI featured you on my Sunday Funnies: http://tinyurl.com/ydyyr6r
I think your laundry must know my laundry.
ReplyDelete