Yeah, I Googled "Witch Boobs."

When I think of Halloween, I think of witches. I don't mean of the Wiccan variety, all "skyclad" (read: nekkid) and doing drum circles in the middle of the woods and stuff. I mean witches like in The Wizard of Oz: old. Ugly. Green-skinned. Warts, pointy hats, black dresses, cackle, the whole nine.

And it only stands to reason that if they're that hideous on the outside, they must look equally creepy beneath their clothing. Have you ever pictured witch boobs? I have. And just to see if this is a popular thing to picture, I actually Googled "witch boobs" to see if I could find an image that accurately reflects the way they look in my mind. But nothing came close. All I could find were pictures of sexy witches. And in my head, witch boobs are not sexy. They look kind of like mine: long and shriveled and stretched-out like old sad tube socks, only theirs are green and have these coarse black hairs sticking out in random places and maybe even a wart or two.

So when I saw this life-sized witch at Wal-Mart tonight, I had to bust out the camera phone and take a picture. As you can see, there's something seriously wrong with her physique: namely, it is totally un-witchlike.

What's up with that? She looks like she borrowed her rack from Barbie. Pssshhh. Come to think of it, her entire body was all wrong. Like when she gets done with her job of looking all scary with her little candy tray, she ditches the dress and puts on some pasties and a G-string and pole-dances at a place with a name like "The Wild Cherry" or "The Champagne Club" or "The Cameltoe Cabaret."

(Okay, I made that last one up. But wouldn't that be a fan-freaking-tastic name for a strip joint?)

Anyway, my point: this is clearly an example of how out-of-hand our society's standards of beauty have gotten ... when even our crazy witches have bods worthy of a spread in Playboy's October issue. I pondered this as I stood before her, this specimen of Halloween culture.

And then she got hateful with her glowing eyes and was all, "Bitch, stop staring at my boobs unless you're gonna start puttin' dollars in my cleavage."