"SAHM" Gets Snarky

I absolutely despise the phrase "stay-at-home Mom" (or SAHM, as some people say). There are other things to call the job, I suppose - my BFF Betsy prefers the term "domestic engineer" - but you could call it anything you want and the ignorant would still hold the same stupid misconception: that if you stay at home with your kids, you're just lounging around being lazy. All. Day. Long.

That's what irritates me. When people hear the phrase "stay at home," they think of vacation days. Or skipping work. Or otherwise not meeting some important grown-up obligation because they'd rather chill in bed 'til noon. So naturally, what do they think of stay-at-home moms? That we're sitting here eating bonbons and catching up on soap operas. That we don't have a thing in the world to do besides read cheesy romance novels and yell at our unruly kids, who entertain themselves all day, between chapters.

But SAHM doesn't stand for Sitting on my Ass Having Margaritas (though that would be nice, for a damn change). Being a stay-at-home mom entails doing a million and one different jobs, and doing the parts of those jobs that nobody else would want to do. Ever. It's the kind of stuff you'd pawn off on someone else in a corporate workplace: if someone puked in your cubicle, you'd call the janitor. But if you're a SAHM, you are the janitor. If someone clogs the toilet at work, you'd call maintenance. If you're a SAHM? It's your job to fish out the offending turd/clump of excess toilet paper/Matchbox car. An office has a cleaning staff. SAHMs have no cleaning staff; instead, we are solely responsible for not only the basic tasks - dusting, vacuuming, window-washing - but also dishes. Laundry. Clutter control. Organization.

And oh yeah. We're also a daycare. And you know what that means? We're responsible for providing daily enrichment. Education. Entertainment. Discipline. Scheduling. And also, cleaning up after all that: washing bodies, wiping noses, wiping butts. Keeping toys from taking over the house and sweeping crumbs and mopping up puddles and sticky messes.

Wanna know what else? We cook. Yep, it's up to us to provide three more-or-less nutritionally balanced meals per day. Plus snacks. And to go the extra mile, we usually remember what each person likes ... and keep track of what we've had in the past few days or weeks so everyone gets some variety.

We also care for the sick: administering medications, following doctors' orders, fluffing pillows, and - you guessed it - cleaning up disgusting messes. That also includes sick pets and their disgusting messes.

Because we're at home all day, no one ever cuts us any slack, least of all ourselves. Since we've been here for 24 hours we've had ample time to clean this or organize those or cook that - right? Help? Why would we need help when we're have all day long to do this stuff? And since we're "not doing anything" that means we must have time to do this for that person, and that for this person - rightthisveryminute. Because we stay-at-home moms have absolutely nothing else to do but ... stay at home.

You don't even have to get dressed!, they say. Yeah, I may still be in my PJs at 3 pm. Why?? Because I can't leave my kids unattended while I take the time to shower - but when I try to take them all with me, it backfires. It's certainly not because I took my time to leisurely wake up and roll out of bed whenever I saw fit. No. Most days I'm up with the sun - usually after waking up every hour or two to meet some sort of middle-of-the-night demand - summoned from my comfortable bed to meet even more demands. Breakfast. Drinks. Diaper changes. All before I've even had the chance to clear the sleep from my own eyes and take a much-needed pee.

You can take a nap any time you want!, they say. Nap? What the hell is that? If I'm lucky enough to get all my kids napping at once, there's so much stuff I have to get done before they wake up (like attending to my own basic hygeine!) that I don't have time to catch any shut-eye myself.

To those who think "stay-at-home" is equal to "free ride" ... consider this. What would you do if your boss ever-so-graciously said, "Take an hour off to take a bath. Or go to the gym. Or go to lunch with your friends." And then followed it up with, "But after that, you've got to get right back to work. And, oh yes ... you'll be here all night. In fact, except for the occasional mini-break - I'm talking just a few times a month - you'll be here 24 hours a day, indefinitely. What's that ... ? Sick days? Vacation time? Sorry, but you're out of luck in that department. Oh, you're going to the restroom? I'll be coming with you, of course; privacy is against our company policy."

Motherhood is always hard ... even when you do your mothering from home.

There's so much more I could say, but I'd be up on this soapbox for days, and I've got shit to do.

I only wish it involved naps, books, or bonbons.