Tomater' Hater

I'm such an infomercial nerd - suckas like me are why they make those damn things. I'm the one who's glued to the TV at 2 AM, positively convinced that I need to chop veggies perfectly every time, make smoothies in seconds, add volume to my hair, or clean up spills lightening-fast.

Thank goodness I can resist the urge to order everything I want. Because otherwise I'd end up one of those compulsive hoarders that you see on Dr. Phil who orders more stuff than they know what to do with and it piles up in their house until they can barely make a path through and they cry and say how miserable it makes them but they just can't seem to help themselves.

Whew.

Anyway, I'm still waiting on an AeroGarden and some Bumpits (btw, that's a hair accessory, not the reeking underarms of a homeless dude). But there's one thing I had to have when I saw it, and that was a Topsy Turvy Tomato Planter.

My awesome sister Amy, who is an equally gullible infomercial junkie (and who could also use some Bumpits) bought me one at Home Depot. Not for $40, not for $30, not even for $20 - but for the low, low price of just ten dollars!

*applause*


I couldn't wait to get it growing, but the death of my grandmother in May - and a subseqent long, looooong trip to my home state (Missouri, woot woot!) - postponed it a bit. Still, when I got home I was determined to get my Topsy Turvy up and running, so I went to the farmers' market to buy a good-quality tomato plant. When I told the lady who was selling them that I was buying it for a Topsy Turvy, she literally scoffed at me.


"Hmmph. I've heard those things don't work," she said with a disdainful snort. And then she acted almost like she didn't even want to sell it to me because of that fact. Like she was giving me a puppy that I'd just said I planned to starve and beat into submission every day.


Just take my money and give me the goods, you hateful tomato-plant-peddling biatch.


Anyway, I bought the damn plant despite her snobby objections. Curtis hung the Topsy Turvy on the back deck, and I have watered it faithfully every day, tending to it, worrying over it. And it did produce a gorgeous, full, green plant. But this summer has been extremely mild temperature-and-sun-wise. And while that's fantastic news for my huge, child-incubating self, it's not all that great for tomatoes.


But it's not a total failure because last night I picked this: *cue chorus of angels singing*

Yep, the ONE tomato that actually ripened. There's one more little guy on the vine, but he's still green and he's been there for, like, eons ... not doing anything. But my one single successful tomato, well ... it's a perfect and unblemished orb of homegrown goodness. So I'm calling my Topsy Turvy a success - lady at the farmers' market be damned!