Do Not Attempt While Pregnant

I don't know about you, but I have a hard time buying stuff for myself. If somebody were to give me $100 and tell me to spend it on clothing, there's a 99.9% chance I'll come out of the store loaded down with outfits for my kids: it's just the way things are. There's only so much money to go around, so if it's going to be spent on clothes, it'll be spent on their clothes. Mine may not be haute couture, but at least I know I won't outgrow (or wear out, tear up, or irreversably stain) them as fast as my children do theirs.

Unless I'm pregnant - specifically in the third trimester, when I look like I'm incubating a baby beluga whale (okay, twin baby beluga whales). By that time, I'm always so big that people literally stop to gape at me like I'm about to give birth on the floor of the gas station/library/Wal-Mart or wherever I happen to be. Therefore it's imperative that I buy something that fits, so that I don't walk around looking like even more of a freakshow with my stretched-out belly exposed.

There are several problems with this, though:

1. When I'm not pregnant, the maternity section of every store is practically overflowing with cute outfits. But when I am pregnant, the cute outfits are mysteriously replaced with shapeless, tentlike masses of fabric with weird bows and knots.

2. It's the same with plus-sized clothing, which often suffices size-wise, but falls pitifully short in the trendiness department. Everything seems to be stretchy polyester with some sort of loud, gaudy print and flapping sleeves - things that even my unfashionable ass wouldn't be caught dead in if I wasn't pregnant. Is it some conspiracy to keep big girls from looking cute?

3. The maternity clothes that actually are decent cost, like, an arm and a leg. Call me cheap, but I'm not paying that much for something I'm going to wear for the next month or two.

4. Dressing rooms aren't made for pregnant women. Especially a pregnant woman that is the size of Brazil. Especially when that pregnant woman is trying on pants. (Note to self: next time you lose your balance and fall into a dressing room door, find one that latches securely - the whole of Target nearly saw your jiggly ass today.)

5. In the event that I do find something that looks cute on the hanger, it inevitably does NOT look as cute on me, leading to an all-out hormonally-fueled dressing room meltdown. Like this afternoon when I tried on these cute capris ... which painfully highlighted the fact that my ankles now blend into my calves. Ugh.


So you see? Shopping while pregnant is torturous, unless you're one of those women who remains stick-thin everywhere but the belly (in which case, get out of my blog and go eat a sandwich. Kidding, ladies, I'm just bitter).

I will end on a bright note, though, and share with you the one purchase that I have gotten TONS of good out of, the absolute best maternity pants ever, hands-down:

(Yes, I jacked this picture from the Motherhood Maternity website. But I figure if I'm endorsing their pants - unprompted - they won't care too much ... right?) Anyway, these are the most awesome pants - I've linked you to the details here. They're stretchy, swingy and flattering, and the belly is so forgiving that I've been able to wear them in every trimester (no matter how gargantuan I get) AND after giving birth - even after losing much of my baby weight. They're so basic that I wear them with everything from dressy tops to T-shirts. I know it sounds like an infomercial, but I just wanted to share the ONE item of maternity clothing that I've actually loved and worn to death. You know, in case anyone else is in my same boat.

To sum things up: yay for good pants. Boo for all other aspects of maternity shopping. I'd rather pass a 9-pound baby through my ... oh wait, that's going to happen anyway, isn't it?