Baby Seeds
As if the whore question wasn't bad enough, Colin came at me with another tough one a couple of days ago. Two awkward questions in less than a week? What kind of bad parental karma is that?
He's asked me plenty about Coby (impending baby #3) during my pregnancy: what he's doing in there, when he'll come out, how he'll come out. But lucky for me, he hadn't asked the one question that I most dreaded answering ... until I reached my eighth month of pregnancy, and then it apparently dawned on him.
"How did Coby get in your belly, Mommy?"
*gulp*
I should have been prepared to answer. I should have known he would inevitably ask, and I should have rehearsed something in my head. But "should have" is no help, and so I floundered. All I could think of is what not to say to him: "It all started when Mommy did that thing Daddy likes ..."
Therefore, the whole debacle went something like this:
"Um ... well, son ..." (I clear my throat, and repeat the question to stall for time.) "... You want to know how he got in there?"
Colin waits patiently ... for probably the first time in his entire life.
"Well. Then. A mommy has eggs inside her body. They're very small, and they're part of what it takes to make a baby."
He looks at me skeptically. "Eggs?"
"Yes, they're very small," I repeat. "Not like ... not like chicken eggs. And Daddies have ... seeds. And when the eggs and the seeds are combined, that's what makes a baby, and it grows in the Mommy's tummy."
Colin stares. "Where are the seeds?"
"They're, um ... well, they're in your testicles. You know, your balls?"
Since he's pantsless, as usual, he reaches down for a squeeze. "I don't feel any seeds," he says accusingly, as though I might be lying.
I sound like a total moron, I think to myself. I usually offer much better explanations than these, but this one caught me totally off-guard. "Well, Colin, the seeds ... you only have them when you're a grown-up man. And even then, they're too small to feel with your fingers."
"Can I see the seeds when I'm a grown-up man?" he asks.
"Um ... well, sort of," I say, desperately trying to block an image of all the cringe-worthy stuff he'll start doing as a teenager. (Ew, ew, ewwwww!) "But to really see them, you'd need a microscope."
"What's a microscope?"
Ahhhhh ... thankyousweetJesus ... a diversion!
I explain to him, in lengthy detail, what a microscope is - hoping that it will put an end to the conversation at hand. But I should know him better than that. More questions ensue, including a few where I cop out and tell him he'll have to ask Daddy (bwahahaha). Then the discussion blessedly culminates with this:
"Mommy, I want to make a baby with seeds."
He's asked me plenty about Coby (impending baby #3) during my pregnancy: what he's doing in there, when he'll come out, how he'll come out. But lucky for me, he hadn't asked the one question that I most dreaded answering ... until I reached my eighth month of pregnancy, and then it apparently dawned on him.
"How did Coby get in your belly, Mommy?"
*gulp*
I should have been prepared to answer. I should have known he would inevitably ask, and I should have rehearsed something in my head. But "should have" is no help, and so I floundered. All I could think of is what not to say to him: "It all started when Mommy did that thing Daddy likes ..."
Therefore, the whole debacle went something like this:
"Um ... well, son ..." (I clear my throat, and repeat the question to stall for time.) "... You want to know how he got in there?"
Colin waits patiently ... for probably the first time in his entire life.
"Well. Then. A mommy has eggs inside her body. They're very small, and they're part of what it takes to make a baby."
He looks at me skeptically. "Eggs?"
"Yes, they're very small," I repeat. "Not like ... not like chicken eggs. And Daddies have ... seeds. And when the eggs and the seeds are combined, that's what makes a baby, and it grows in the Mommy's tummy."
Colin stares. "Where are the seeds?"
"They're, um ... well, they're in your testicles. You know, your balls?"
Since he's pantsless, as usual, he reaches down for a squeeze. "I don't feel any seeds," he says accusingly, as though I might be lying.
I sound like a total moron, I think to myself. I usually offer much better explanations than these, but this one caught me totally off-guard. "Well, Colin, the seeds ... you only have them when you're a grown-up man. And even then, they're too small to feel with your fingers."
"Can I see the seeds when I'm a grown-up man?" he asks.
"Um ... well, sort of," I say, desperately trying to block an image of all the cringe-worthy stuff he'll start doing as a teenager. (Ew, ew, ewwwww!) "But to really see them, you'd need a microscope."
"What's a microscope?"
Ahhhhh ... thankyousweetJesus ... a diversion!
I explain to him, in lengthy detail, what a microscope is - hoping that it will put an end to the conversation at hand. But I should know him better than that. More questions ensue, including a few where I cop out and tell him he'll have to ask Daddy (bwahahaha). Then the discussion blessedly culminates with this:
"Mommy, I want to make a baby with seeds."
"Someday, sweetheart," I tell him. "When you're over 25 and have a steady job and your own place and a woman who is worth reproducing with."
LOL! Aren't these questions fun? My oldest used to tell our minister he needed to come to our house and marry our goats so they could have babies. Then I get pregnant with number three--the other girls are seven and five so of course they are asking more "detailed" questions. I finally give them the basic talk..."Well, a mom and a dad..." Oldest one says basically that's gross and she's never doing it. Talk done. The five-year-old rationalist then proudly says, "Then you've done 'it' three times. Mrs. Smith did 'it' two times because she has two kids. Mrs. Raines did 'it' four times...." And I'm thinking, oh, please, please don't go to these people and say something like "I know how many times you've had sex!"
ReplyDeleteI Love this! I told my kids that you swallow a pill that the stork brings and it grows a baby in your tummy!
ReplyDeleteYours is so much better!! Hilarious!
you tried much harder than I did. I just said that when mommy and daddy decide to have a baby it grows right up from inside there. end of story. my daughter seemed to think that was an adequate answer since poking my belly button was way more fun anyway.
ReplyDeletethat briliant, my father left me thinking women got pregnant from a floating seed like a dandy lion has! UGH! and btw, not just teenagers!...lol
ReplyDeleteLorelli and I have not had that talk, thank goodness. She has told me several times that when she grows up she wants to have FIVE (FIVE, REALLY?!?!?!) babies in her tummy. I told her when she was 30 she could have as many babies as she wanted to. She also told me, pretty much in the same breath, that when she grew up she wanted to be a boy. I told her that when she grew up, if she still wanted to be a boy, then we would talk about it. What else do you say to something like that?!?!
ReplyDeleteAh,the joys of parenting! And whatever you tell the oldest gets passed down to the rest! I think you did very well.
ReplyDeleteI guess you could have gone with what my cousin's two year old told us...you ask the Easter Bunny and viola, there's a baby!
ReplyDelete