Stuff Your Face, I'll Watch

During the rare few minutes of the day when my TV isn't tuned to children's programming, it's on Food Network. That's because I watch it during the kids' nap, while I do step aerobics (thereby making me hungry, thereby making me eat, thereby negating the aerobics ... sigh).

I'm a total foodie, and love to watch cooking shows. I have my favorites, but one thing bothers me about cooking shows as a whole: at the end of a segment, they always - always - taste their creations. It drives me crazy. You tempt me for the better part of thirty minutes with your tantalizing preparations, chefs, and have the audacity to savor it in front of me while I watch like a starving dog, knowing full well I don't get a single bite. Asses.

And you, Giada DeLaurentiis, are probably the worst of the bunch.

It's bad enough that you're cute and petite with a huge rack, despite the fact that you cook and eat for a living. If I were a chef I'd weigh 800 pounds and still wouldn't have any boobs, so that's the first unfair thing. But then you proceed to take a huge bite of whatever you've just cooked and mumble with your mouth full about how fabulous it is. "The Nutella is so creamy, and the toasted hazelnuts and chocolate chips give the brownie such a delicious crunch," you teased through a gooey bite of dessert on your show today (without even emitting a fine spray of food particles; how do you do that?). And all I could do was watch, and wish that I too could taste the creamy crunchy confection. And that, like you, I would still be skinny after eating it.

It isn't just Giada, of course - the vast majority of cooking show hosts do this. It's like they're taking up some extra air time with a nice little "in your face!" for the viewers. Sometimes they even film their friends eating it, and then I really feel left out. There they are at a finely decorated table in some pristine outdoor setting, eating some fancy gourmet dish prepared by a professional chef, and I'm huffing up and down on the Wii wondering if we're out of ramen.

It isn't fair.